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Monday, October 18, 2004 ..she gave me her diary and asked me to read what she wrote about me __years ago..... july 15. 19?? ..i detest any form of substance abuse, for i've seen what it does to people to people. it has the power to instill fear. it also gives a person a temporary feeling of strenght that is bound to deserthim at the most crucial moment. but it's different when i have to confront these demons when someone i love is involved. i approached gaget cautiously, and she hurled herself at me. she hugged me as if she wanted tp sap my strenght. finally i understood what she was saying. she was cursing a man, i didn't know. then she was cursing her life, her fate and blaming God foe everything bad that happened to her. at first i made a half-hearted effort to placate her. i knew she was drunk and it was useless trying to reason with her. then i looked into her eyes, and saw something very frightening there. it was as if i was gazing into the very depths of her soul. i saw a girl into a pit of despair. i was no stranger to these feelings. i sometimes felt them too. i wanted to tell her this like i used to do in the past but i knew she was beyond my reach.i hated to admit it. but at that moment, i gave up on her like all the others. its quite sad, but the people you love has the greatest power to hurt you. gaget has hurt me a 100x but no matter how i try to shut her out , she has the power to make me care. she has become an enigma. i try to be as patient and as understanding, but i can't make sense of the things that she dowes to herself. she goes out with men older than her.there are times i would see bruises on her body but she just shrugs whenever i ask er what happened. these past years...she has alienated herself from everything. she is convinced she is safe and invincible in her fake sophistication. sometime i would look for the traces of the girl i once knew. and then i'd wish that she never grew up and never knew this pain. that morning, i was seeing a different version of the person i loved. she was ready to explode in a murderous fury.we fought over the blade she used to slash herself. now at night...and lying beside her,i'm afraid to close my eyes. i fear that i may woke up to find her dead. i want to run away but it seem be bound to her for life.i can never leave.i am bound by the burden of my guilt and my own inability to help her.. yowch what an ugly past...i don't wanna look back anymore.i was such a mess margret at Monday, October 18, 2004
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